Monkey in my Head

‘Poor things!’ My wife was talking about the monkeys

‘What?’ I asked, wanting to make sure I didn’t have a hearing problem

‘What would you do if a superior creature came in here, drove us away from our home and started living here?’ She asked.

I couldn’t believe, barely hours after the war was won, my dear wife reveals that she was with the opposition all along?

‘I am not having monkeys walking around in my home!’ I said, still very much in combat mode.

Later, when things cooled down and common sense made its way back into my head, I thought about it all. Why would the monkeys risk their lives and come into our homes? Turn the time Fifty years back, and I guess the forefathers of these very monkeys would have been living where I am now. It could have had its home in a big flowing tree right where our apartment stands now. I can see these monkeys happily swinging around the branches around me with their loved ones- some lying lazily on the branches below me, while another playing with her little one. In the cool shade, surrounded by the rumble of shimmering leaves all around, the monkey family is enjoying another beautiful day of their life. Suddenly, they all stop. All of them turn and look at me.

Who is the intruder here?

Tora! Tora! Tora!

‘Thud!’

I sprang up from the bed like a spring coil!

‘What?’ my half asleep wife asked

‘Shhh…’ I replied

‘Oh no,’ she said, as she read my mind and turned to the other side.

I slipped out of bed stealthily and slipped into my battle gear in near total darkness. Soon, I was all done. Before leaving the room, I whispered to my wife:

‘Whatever happens, don’t open the door’ Sounded like a dialogue from one of horror movies, just before the final confrontation scene. Without making a sound, I opened the bedroom door and peered into kitchen.

Darkness.

Should have left the lights on. A tactical mistake, I realized. Can monkeys see at night? Damn, I did not Google that one! Too late now.

I tip toed towards kitchen, strangulating the baton in my hand from time to time. I could hear my heavy breathing amplified inside the helmet. Slowly I reached for the kitchen light switch and flashed it on, ready for the final flourish. But, the kitchen was empty. False alarm. ‘Thud’ the window banged against the wall, confirming it.

As I turned to go back, something I saw scared the life out of me! Standing very near to me was a creature, possibly from outer space. It had an oversized, black, shiny head and a puffed up upper body with a long, thick stick in hand! I almost swung the stick in my hand involuntarily before realizing it was my reflection and I was about to crash my mirror!

I checked my look in the mirror in various angles and poses and finally smiled. I knew just how to scare the monkeys next time they come around! Ha!

This Means War!

Since our little one is on the way, we reformed our care free eating habits into a meticulously planned diet. This led to stacking of our home with fruits of all kinds, a gold mine for the starving monkeys. By afternoon, they tried to break in again, but failed. They could come back, and this means war!

I promptly Googled, “How to attack a monkey”. And Google asked me, ‘Did you mean How to attach a monkey? Or adopt a monkey?’ I said, No, I did not want to attach or adopt a monkey, I just want to attack a monkey! In return I got loads of articles on ‘How monkey attacks man’, ‘how to prevent and survive a monkey attack’ etc. and nothing on how to actually attack a monkey! The situation, I realized was grave. But I did get some valuable tips:

1. Never ever show your teeth to a monkey, for them it means a challenge and would definitely attack you! (Ok, mouth shut)
2. Only pretend to throw things at them and never actually throw. They might throw stuff right back at you: faster and more accurate! (Ouch!)
3. Don’t show fear and don’t freak out. If you scream, wave your arms and run, they will attack you!( Ok, no running away. It’s a fight to the end, till the last man or monkey stands, as the case maybe)
4. Do not underestimate a monkey’s strength, they are stronger than you! They will bite, scratch and inflict other bodily harm on you. (Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!)

And what is the damage that could happen in case I get scratched in this fight? I read just one sentence ‘There are numerous viruses associated with primates which have unknown or uncertain pathogenic potential’ and stopped. I need to prepare for battle.

For the next half an hour, cupboards were open, boxes were pulled down, cloths went flying around…until, finally I had my battle gear ready. It included one long thick stick, one helmet, a pair of gloves, thick leather jacket, jeans, shoes and some pillows for extra protection. I had it all readied in my bedroom. My wife, who was watching all the proceedings, was convinced that I had lost it.

Monkey in my Kitchen

I was enjoying the 6.00 A.M stillness in the air, sipping my tea and getting ready to write my first blog, when I heard some movement behind me, in the kitchen. Pleasantly surprised at the thought that my wife had got up earlier than her usual time, I wheeled around towards the kitchen to greet her, but the sight that greeted me left me open mouthed and stuck for a moment- Two full grown monkeys were casually climbing down the kitchen slab on their way out, with a bunch of banana held safely in one coiled, protective arm.

I recovered from the initial shock by the time they reached the work area through the kitchen door. The next emotion I felt was rage- my house was under attack, and I had to fight back. Almost involuntarily I ran towards the assailants making appropriate noises. I reached the work area and saw one of them still sitting inside the grill and lovingly munching into a banana. Four feet separated us, a raging human and a calm monkey. He looked at me casually and went back to his breakfast. I felt almost insulted, how dare he, an inferior species, come into my house, rob me in broad daylight (well, almost) and have the guts to eat it right in front of my eyes! I let out a loud roar, which if translated into monkey language should mean something like ‘get out of my house, you monkey!’ He stopped eating, looked me in the eye and jerked his upper body in my direction and said, ‘hmmrrrrrrbbbbb’, which if translated into human language should mean something like, ‘Buzz off, you human!’ I immediately retaliated just like any superior being would in such situations- withdraw!

I watched him from behind the kitchen window. He caught his reflection on the mirror in the cupboard and made another jerking motion and said ‘ Urrrrrpp’ He then made faces at himself, obviously admiring his handsome personality. The slim black fingers went around the knob of the cupboard and pulled it open! That one action send a chill in me- I am not dealing with just another animal here- this is an intelligent and capable being, and that was intimidating.

I summoned the security guard of our apartment who eagerly swung into action, swinging his baton and mouthing the same unintelligible words I said to the monkeys earlier. This time they fled. Not because he screamed any louder than I did, but because the monkeys easily recognized the danger when a human being was roaring at them with a weapon in hand, as opposed to a human being just roaring. Common sense!

But everything is safe now, I secured their entry point by closing out the grilled area. I can once again breathe easy in my beautiful world.