This Means War!

Since our little one is on the way, we reformed our care free eating habits into a meticulously planned diet. This led to stacking of our home with fruits of all kinds, a gold mine for the starving monkeys. By afternoon, they tried to break in again, but failed. They could come back, and this means war!

I promptly Googled, “How to attack a monkey”. And Google asked me, ‘Did you mean How to attach a monkey? Or adopt a monkey?’ I said, No, I did not want to attach or adopt a monkey, I just want to attack a monkey! In return I got loads of articles on ‘How monkey attacks man’, ‘how to prevent and survive a monkey attack’ etc. and nothing on how to actually attack a monkey! The situation, I realized was grave. But I did get some valuable tips:

1. Never ever show your teeth to a monkey, for them it means a challenge and would definitely attack you! (Ok, mouth shut)
2. Only pretend to throw things at them and never actually throw. They might throw stuff right back at you: faster and more accurate! (Ouch!)
3. Don’t show fear and don’t freak out. If you scream, wave your arms and run, they will attack you!( Ok, no running away. It’s a fight to the end, till the last man or monkey stands, as the case maybe)
4. Do not underestimate a monkey’s strength, they are stronger than you! They will bite, scratch and inflict other bodily harm on you. (Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!)

And what is the damage that could happen in case I get scratched in this fight? I read just one sentence ‘There are numerous viruses associated with primates which have unknown or uncertain pathogenic potential’ and stopped. I need to prepare for battle.

For the next half an hour, cupboards were open, boxes were pulled down, cloths went flying around…until, finally I had my battle gear ready. It included one long thick stick, one helmet, a pair of gloves, thick leather jacket, jeans, shoes and some pillows for extra protection. I had it all readied in my bedroom. My wife, who was watching all the proceedings, was convinced that I had lost it.